I rub this game! Literally. Sometimes too much. Makes my finger cramp up. Hurts. I’m talking about Monster Monpiece, the wacky Japanese card-battling game that somehow made its way to the States. It’s a little pervy, but a lot of fun.

Before we get to the card-battling part, I should probably elaborate on the rubbing. In this game, you collect cards to fight with and each one has a girl on it. These card/girls have hit points, attack points, special abilities, etc. And if you want to raise these stats—you’re going to have to rub them in all the right places. Turn the PS Vita vertical, and rub them all over their bodies until you find the spots they like. And it’s not always where you think it would be! If you rub them right, hearts start coming out. Then you have to rub, pinch, or poke that spot until the special meter fills up. Then boom—a stat raise! You’ll gain more hit points, attack points, or even a special ability.

 
Oh, and a new outfit! Usually one that shows off a little more skin. It’s quite silly, but ridiculously funny. It’s the kind of game you’ll end up showing a million people, because it’s so absurd.  

Luckily, the whole game isn’t about rubbing, because that would probably get boring. The card-battling aspect is pretty fun too. Instead of just throwing cards down against each other like many games, there’s a whole movement aspect involved. The goal of every match is to destroy the opponent’s castle. The battlefield is like a chessboard. You can only put down one card at a time, as can your opponent. Every card placed turns into a 3D rendered chibi girl on the board. However, they don't look exactly like the card does. There’s a set number of renders that represent each card. Rendering every card would have been really hard, there are a zillion cards.

 
Each turn, the character attacks if there is an enemy card/character there, and if not moves a space forward. If your card’s attack points are higher than the life points of the card you’re attacking, you smoke them. If not, you just do damage. There are healer cards that if placed behind attackers, can heal them each turn. There are also buffer cards that can raise states. You can also go for color combos and raise all the troops of the same color card’s stats. And you can fuse cards if they’re the same type, like beast, bird, fairy, etc. Each card costs mana, so you have to think about the cost before playing, or skip your turn to build up more.

 
Sound complicated? I’d say for real card heads, this is child’s play. For the casual player, it’s a little overwhelming at first, but you’ll be rolling through matches pretty fast. In fact, it’s really easy in the beginning. So they give you plenty of time to get your bearings.

There are a ton of cards in the game and you’ll be winning new ones all the time. So you can expect to spend a good deal of time, fiddling around with your deck, or decks if you get deep enough into the game.

 
As for the story, it’s a lot of talking. Hate to say it, but I couldn’t really follow it and just breezed through the dialog to get to the rubbing and card battles. The art, however, is excellent! Great character designs all around. If you’re interested in character design or even becoming a game artist, this would be a good buy. Especially, because there’s a zillion cards, each with its own cutie who has several outfits.

 
This is a neat (although slightly pervy) little game with a surprisingly engaging card battling system. Fun, but not for the whole family.

Hint: Do not play this on the bus with an old lady sitting next to you. You will get dirty looks like I did. 

by Urian Brown